London Current: What Is Actually Happening Right Now and Why It Is More Absurd Than Necessary

Real-Time Coverage of a City That Generates Absurdity at Industrial Scale and Calls It Governance

The London Current brings you up-to-the-moment coverage of the capital’s ongoing situation, which our editors describe as “a lot” and our legal team describes as “please be more specific before we publish.” We are being more specific. Here is what is happening in London right now, why it is happening, and why it is, in every category, approximately 40% more absurd than the situation strictly requires.

Current Situation: Housing

Developers are building. Nothing genuinely affordable is being built. The Mayor has convened a taskforce to address this. The taskforce will report to a steering committee. The steering committee will advise on a strategic framework. The framework will inform a long-term housing strategy. The strategy will be launched at an event in a venue that costs £8,000 to hire for the evening. The event will include a panel discussion, a keynote address, a catered reception, and a press release describing the launch as “a pivotal moment.” The Shelter housing charity will issue a measured response noting that the strategy contains encouraging language and insufficient binding targets. Nobody in the room will dispute this. Everyone will applaud the keynote. The canapés will be locally sourced. The housing shortage will continue.

Current Situation: Transport

There is a signal failure at Paddington. There is, unexpectedly, a good service on the Jubilee line, which feels like a trick or a trap or the opening move in a longer game. The Elizabeth line continues to function with the calm, consistent competence of a Swiss watch in a room full of British ones. The Elizabeth line has been running for three years now and has not once called a delay “an earlier incident.” It simply does not have earlier incidents. The other lines have noticed. The Elizabeth line does not acknowledge the other lines. The relationship is tense.

Current Situation: The Food Scene

There are 47 popup food and drink events happening in East London this coming weekend. Thirty-one of them involve natural wine. Twelve involve vinyl records played at appropriate volume. Four involve both natural wine and vinyl simultaneously, which the listings describe as “a curated sonic and oenological experience.” One involves a chef who previously worked “in commodities” and has decided to pursue something “more connected to the land,” which in practice means a twelve-cover tasting menu at £110 per head featuring a course described as “soil memory.” There is a waiting list for the soil memory. The waiting list is three weeks long. We checked. It is real.

Current Situation: The Weather

It is grey. It has been grey since October. It will be grey until approximately the third week of June, at which point it will be sunny for eleven days, during which the entire population of London will lose its collective mind, eat outside, develop opinions about rosé, and behave as though summer is a permanent condition. It is not a permanent condition. It is eleven days. Then it will be grey again. This cycle has occurred every year since records began. London prepares for it as though it is a surprise every single time. The Daily Mash has been covering British weather surprise since 2007 and confirms the surprise shows no sign of diminishing.

SOURCE: https://thedailymash.co.uk