How to Write About Your Existential Dread in a Way That Gets Likes

Monetizing Your Meltdown

In the attention economy, even despair can be engaging if packaged right. Here’s how to turn your philosophical crisis into content.

Step 1: Make It Relatable

“I don’t have a five-year plan because I can’t even decide what to have for lunch. Also, the heat death of the universe.”

Step 2: Add Visuals

“[Picture of me staring into middle distance] Me contemplating whether free will exists or if this pose was inevitable.”

Step 3: End on a Quasi-Hopeful Note

“We’re all just stardust with anxiety, but at least we’re anxious together. #DeepThoughts”

Advanced Techniques

1. The “Millennial Buddha”

“The key to happiness is letting go of attachments. Also my student loans, if anyone’s offering.”

2. The “Algorithmic Angst”

“I’d worry less about being watched by the government if they were watching in a ‘proud parent’ way rather than ‘potential dissident’ way.”

3. The “Branded Despair”

“This existential crisis brought to you by NordVPN – because even nihilists deserve privacy.”

Conclusion

In a meaningless universe, at least we can get engagement metrics. That’s something. Right? Right?