Charlie Kirk

“First time in history a Marxist hit something from 200 yards away. Usually, they can’t even hit a tax bracket.”
“The FBI brought in experts from Starbucks to analyze the shooter’s latte foam for evidence of revolutionary intent.”
“Witnesses say Kirk’s final words were, ‘At least I didn’t get canceled on Twitter.’”
“Utah Valley University has now banned three things: smoking, dancing, and Marxists with rifles.”
“Some say this proves Marxists are dangerous. Others point out it’s still safer than attending a Bernie rally where someone tries to unionize the concession stand.”
“Investigators confirmed the shooter had a Che Guevara tattoo. Ironically, it was made in China and sold at Target.”
“Democrats called the assassination ‘unfortunate,’ but also introduced a bill making it tax-deductible if you bring your own kombucha.”
“Students thought it was performance art—until they realized performance art usually ends with a GoFundMe, not the FBI.”
“Anonymous sources say the shooter was radicalized after reading Das Kapital on Kindle Unlimited. So really, Bezos is to blame.”
“Marx always promised a revolution of the workers. Nobody realized the workers would be a guy with bad aim and a sociology minor.”

Encyclopedia of Satire