London Standard: The Capital Sets Records Nobody Campaigned For and Everyone Must Now Live With

London Continues to Excel in Fields That Were Not Previously Considered Fields Until London Made Them Fields

London broke several records this week. None of them were the subject of a campaign. None were budgeted for. None were particularly welcomed by the people they most directly affect. The capital continues its long tradition of achieving distinction in categories that other cities had the wisdom not to enter, and doing so with the cheerful indifference of a city that has been doing this since approximately the year 43 AD and cannot be stopped now.

Record One: Queue Formation Speed

A new study conducted by the University of Watching People at Bus Stops — officially the Department of Urban Behavioural Studies at King’s College London — found that Londoners can form an orderly, socially coherent queue from a standing start in 4.3 seconds, which is the fastest in the world and nearly three seconds faster than the second-placed city, which is Zurich, and which is cheating because everything in Zurich is orderly by default including, reportedly, the weather.

The study notes that Londoners will queue for things they are not entirely certain exist. The queue formation occurs first. The investigation into what the queue is for follows. A researcher observed a queue of eleven people outside a door in Bermondsey on a Tuesday morning for forty minutes before anyone thought to try the door, which was unlocked. The queue was for a coffee shop that did not open until 9am. It was 8:19am. Nobody left.

Record Two: Most Transport Zones Traversed Without Added Convenience

A commuter travelling from Barking to Ealing this week passed through five separate fare zones, changed trains four times including one onto a replacement bus service, waited 34 minutes on a platform described on the display as having “a good service” running, and arrived at their destination 51 minutes later than Google Maps had predicted at the start of the journey. TfL confirmed the journey was “within expected journey time parameters.” The commuter confirmed the journey was “within expected misery parameters, honestly.” Both statements are accurate.

Record Three: Most Ironic Use of the Word “Vibrant” in Property Listings

The word “vibrant” appeared in 47 separate London property listings this week. It was applied to: a studio flat above a closed pub in Catford, described as being in a “vibrant emerging neighbourhood”; a one-bedroom in Tottenham with damp in the bathroom, described as offering access to “Tottenham’s vibrant cultural scene”; and a room in a shared house in Elephant and Castle with one functioning radiator, described as part of a “vibrant Zone 1 community.” All three were let within 48 hours. The Poke has been tracking the ironic deployment of “vibrant” in London property listings since 2016 and confirms both its frequency and its complete detachment from any observable vibrancy in the properties described.

Record Four: Most Optimistic Transport Announcement

TfL announced that the Overground’s new branding initiative, which renamed the network’s six routes after London rivers at a reported cost of £6.3 million, has resulted in a 12% increase in awareness of the Overground as a distinct service. It has not resulted in any change to journey times, reliability, or the experience of being on an Overground train on a Friday evening. The rivers after which the lines are named do not, in most cases, run along the routes. This was considered acceptable.

SOURCE: https://thepoke.co.uk