London Wire: Breaking — City Still Extremely Expensive, Multiple Sources Confirm

DEVELOPING: Situation Unchanged From Yesterday, Last Week, Last Year, and Honestly 2011

LONDON (London Wire) — In a story that continues to develop despite the wishes of everyone involved, London remained extremely expensive this morning, sources described as “anyone who tried to do anything in the city this week” confirmed. The situation, which began approximately when the city was founded and has intensified steadily ever since, shows no signs of resolution. Officials continue to monitor closely. The monitoring has been ongoing since approximately 2005. No intervention has been announced. The monitoring continues.

The Latest Developments, Timestamped

8:32am — Reports emerge that a two-bedroom flat in Zone 3 has listed on Rightmove at £2,400 per month. Estate agents describe it as “competitively priced for the area.” Residents of the area describe it as “the reason I am genuinely looking at Glasgow with fresh eyes and no irony whatsoever.”

9:15am — Rightmove quarterly data confirms average London asking rents have risen for the 24th consecutive quarter. A spokesperson for the property market said the market was “finding its level.” A spokesperson for renters, who did not exist because no one has funded a spokesperson for renters, was not available for comment. The market continues to find its level. The level appears to be considerably above where most people can reach.

10:47am — A Pret a Manger in the City has raised the price of its baguette by 20 pence. Analysts at the Centre for Sandwich Economics, which is a fictional institution but should absolutely exist, warn this signals broader inflationary pressure in the triangular-format lunch sector and represents a 6.3% increase that will, if the trend continues, price the meal deal out of the reach of the very workers it was designed to sustain.

12:30pm — A landlord in Hackney has emailed tenants to announce a rent increase of £200 per month “reflecting current market conditions.” The email thanks tenants for their “continued positive occupancy” of a flat they have lived in for four years without incident, as though living in a flat without burning it down is a notable contribution to the landlord’s investment strategy. The tenants are “reviewing their options,” which in practice means they are on Rightmove, seeing the same flat listed at £400 more than they currently pay, and sitting very still.

Analyst Commentary

Our economics correspondent, who cannot afford to live within 40 minutes of where they are required to be five days a week, notes that London’s affordability crisis is not new, not surprising, and not, based on all available evidence, anyone’s specific job to fix. The Greater London Authority housing strategy runs to 84 pages and contains 23 firm commitments, 14 aspirational targets, and one paragraph that describes the situation as “challenging.” The waiting list for social housing runs to 20 years. The strategy document is, by all accounts, beautifully formatted.

SOURCE: https://thepoke.co.uk