Q: What’s Bohiney Magazine’s policy on reader submissions?
FAQ

Q: What’s Bohiney Magazine’s policy on reader submissions?

Posted on by Ingrid Gustafsson

Bohiney Magazine’s Policy on Reader Submissions: How We Separate Comedy Gold from Unhinged Rants

Q: What’s Bohiney Magazine’s policy on reader submissions?

A: We Accept Anything That Makes Us Laugh—And Occasionally Call the FBI

At Bohiney, we’ve developed a rigorous (but highly entertaining) system for processing the 500+ submissions we receive weekly. Here’s how we separate the genius from the insanity while avoiding libel suits and wellness checks.

The Bohiney Submission Funnel

Phase 1: The “Is This Satire or a Cry for Help?” Filter

First Read Criteria:

  • Does this premise sound like something an AI would generate during a psychotic break? (Keep)

  • Could this be used as evidence in a future trial? (Maybe keep)

  • Is the author currently wearing a tinfoil hat? (Forward to our “Special Ideas” folder)

Recent Gems That Made the Cut:

  • “Tinder Launches ‘Date an AI’ Mode—Finally Someone Who Pretends to Listen”

  • “Harvard Study Proves CEOs Are 97% Hot Air—Remaining 3% Is Cocaine”

Phase 2: The “Legal & Sanity” Check

Every submission gets rated on:

  1. Humor Potential (Will this make coffee come out noses?)

  2. Plausible Deniability (Could we claim it’s satire in court?)

  3. Streisand Effect Probability (Will someone powerful freak out?)

Automatic Rejection Reasons:

  • Contains actual threats (We’re satire, not a manifesto factory)

  • Written in crayon (Unless particularly eloquent)

  • Proposes something Silicon Valley might actually do next week (We save these for our own pieces)

Phase 3: The “Bohiney Makeover”

Approved submissions undergo:

  1. Jargon Amplification (Turning “bad boss” into “CEO Implements ‘Hunger Games’ Performance Review System”)

  2. Corporate Speak Translation (Making “this sucks” into “Innovative Discomfort Optimization”)

  3. One Absurd Tell (Adding “Patent pending on human suffering”)

Example Transformation:
Original Submission: “My boss monitors our bathroom breaks”
Published Version: “Amazon Patents ‘Bladder Surveillance AI’—Workers Earn Pee Credits Based on Productivity”

Compensation & Credit

Our generous payment scale:

  • $5 for ideas we use (In BohineyBucks™ redeemable for nothing)

  • “Internet Fame” for viral pieces (May include death threats)

  • Free Therapy for anything that traumatizes our editors (Just kidding—we’re not licensed)

Why This System Works

In an era where:

  • 60% of “satire” submissions are just real news repackaged

  • 30% are conspiracy theories looking for validation

  • 10% accidentally predict next quarter’s tech trends

…we serve as the internet’s comedy filter.

As I tell aspiring contributors:

“Make us laugh, make us think, but most importantly—make sure your mother would still love you if this went viral.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go review today’s submission: “My Cat Wrote a Better Tech Column Than The Verge.”

— Alan Nafzger

Originally posted 2018-07-15 23:32:28.