Q: What’s Bohiney Magazine’s process for brainstorming headlines?
FAQ

Q: What’s Bohiney Magazine’s process for brainstorming headlines?

Posted on by Ingrid Gustafsson

Bohiney Magazine’s Headline Brainstorming Process: How We Manufacture Viral Satire

Q: What’s Bohiney Magazine’s process for brainstorming headlines?

A: A Systematic Approach to Crafting Maximum Cognitive Dissonance

At Bohiney, we don’t just write headlines—we engineer psychological confusion so potent that readers need 3-5 seconds to determine if they’re reading satire or the actual news. Here’s our exact industrial process for creating viral satire headlines.

The Bohiney Headline Laboratory

Phase 1: Mining the Absurdity Vein

Sources we monitor 24/7:

  • Corporate earnings call transcripts (goldmine of unintentional self-parody)

  • Academic journal abstracts (peer-reviewed nonsense)

  • Politicians’ unscripted moments (self-owns in real time)

  • Tech press releases (solutionism at its finest)

Recent Finds:

  • Actual: “Study finds CEOs work better when hungry”

  • Our Take: “Harvard Research: Starving Executives Increases Shareholder Value”

Phase 2: The Distillation Process

We take real absurdities and push them through three filters:

  1. The Plausibility Test
    Could this run unedited in The Wall Street Journal?
    Example: “Goldman Sachs Launches ‘Childhood Trauma’ Bonds—Short Your Own Memories”

  2. The Cognitive Dissonance Scale
    Does it make readers do a double-take?
    Example: “FDA Approves Xanax for Office Buildings—’Open Concept Layouts Need It Most'”

  3. The Corporate Speak Translator
    Can we phrase evil as innovation?
    Example: “Uber Announces ‘Dynamic Dying’ Pricing—Higher Rates During Heart Attacks”

Phase 3: The “Three Tells” Rule

Every headline must contain:

  1. One element of truth (grounding in reality)

  2. One absurd twist (the satirical payload)

  3. One subtle clue (for the critically thinking)

Perfect Example:
“Disney’s New AI Writers Paid in Exposure and Stolen Childhoods”

  • Truth: AI replacing writers

  • Absurdity: “Stolen childhoods” as currency

  • Clue: The word “stolen” tips the hand

Advanced Techniques

The “Preemptive Satire” Method

We predict headlines before they happen:

  1. Identify a developing trend (e.g., corporate greed)

  2. Extrapolate its most ridiculous possible outcome

  3. Publish before reality catches up

Recent Success:
“Silicon Valley Bank Offers ‘FDIC-Insured Crypto'” (Written 3 months before their collapse)

The “Trojan Horse” Approach

Smuggle serious commentary inside absurd packaging:
“Boeing Announces New ‘Cost-Cutting Safety’ Initiative—Fewer Inspections, More Thoughts and Prayers”
(Actual FAA policy changes occurred 6 weeks later)

Quality Control Measures

The “10-Minute Rule”

If a headline still seems funny after:

  • 10 minutes → Publish

  • 10 hours → Too obvious

  • 10 days → Already happened

The “Fox News Test”

Could Tucker Carlson rant about this as real?
(If yes, we tone it down 5%)

The “LinkedIn Check”

Would corporate drones share this earnestly?
(Our benchmark for success)

Why This Process Matters

In an era where:

  • The Babylon Bee gets fact-checked by the White House

  • The Onion gets cited in court documents

  • Our own pieces regularly come true

…you need a system to stay ahead of the credibility apocalypse.

As I tell our writers:

“Your headline should make readers laugh, then think, then check the URL in that exact order.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go workshop our next one: “CNN to Replace Fact-Checkers With More Attractive Versions of the Same Lies.”

— Alan Nafzger

Originally posted 2012-06-11 17:00:08.